“What’s wrong?  Are you hurt?” asked the customs officer on the other side of the counter. 

“Nothing, why?” I responded as he looked over my passport. 

“You don’t look happy.  You should be happy; it’s New Year’s Eve!”

After traveling for more than 25 hours, I was grumpy and tired.  New Year’s Eve 2003 was spent traveling to Cairo, Egypt.  With my teaching credential and resume in hand, my three weeks in Egypt were spent looking for jobs at International Schools and MK schools.  I was convinced Egypt was where God wanted me to serve Him as a teacher. 

I left Egypt with shattered dreams.  Here I was, finally out of school and ready to live out the plans I thought God had for me abroad.  I was ready to do something radical for Him.  I just didn’t think the most “radical” thing God wanted me to do was to stay home and teach.

Mulling over those broken pieces, I was confused and upset.  I desired good things, but God desired other plans for me.  God used the decade following to bring me to safe places to process through my unhealthy perfectionistic tendencies. It was during this time God showed me His kingdom alive and at work at my home church and the community it serves in through organizations Joya Scholars and Solidarity.  I grew to love the middle school classroom, have freedom in creatively reaching students with many different needs, and work with and alongside parents without fear.  I learned a little bit about preserving through trials in that classroom. 

Most importantly, I learned greater depths of God’s love for me, how fully He embraces me as His daughter, how He empowers me to serve and also be unshakably His, regardless of where I am.

Looking back, I can see how God used this time of wresting to shape me with more issues that break His heart.  He introduced me to refugees who shared their stories, questions and tears with me.  His Spirit prompted several women to ask me to pray for them- for healing, for an encounter with Jesus through dreams.  All of these were not experiences I carried with me to Cairo that New Year’s Eve in 2003.

Many of my friends at IM remind me that God doesn’t waste anything!  Life experiences, time, relationships…it’s easy to think that some of these are discarded and forgotten in our journeys.  I know God will continue to use some of mine in this new year as I continue to transition to the Middle East.

Please pray for me as my vision trip to Beirut comes up in about a month.  Pray that I will find God there, a foreign place that will be my new home. 

Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the God-sized dreams He is calling me into.  I get nervous about studying Arabic and being a student again.  I freak out with questions like: Where will I live?  Who will be my friend?  Will I really be a blessing?  How is God going to provide all the support I need?  Who will provide a home for my cat I’m leaving behind?

My Father never ceases to amaze me.  “I’ve got THIS and I’ve got YOU!”  He says over and over again.  And I feel like Abraham, Moses, Ruth and the many who have journeyed before, dancing between moments of fearful doubt and confident peace. 

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. –Isaiah 43:1